Lessons learned

I've always been someone who speaks my heart out, and is brutally honest. And while i would call a spade a spade, a part of me would think for a second before i act harsh with someone who perhaps isn't going through a great phase in his or her life. And what makes it even worse is when you hardly know someone and are all ready to form opinions about that person. I often wonder why are we always in a hurry to form opinions about people? It takes a lifetime to understand yourself, so is it really right to be so quick in forming opinions about people you've just met or are getting to know. And even if you do, how far can you go with judging someone.

What often makes matters worse is if you may have been emotional- (or rather foolish-enough) to share an episode of your life that may reveal the sensitive you, and the person uses exactly that against you. Now how insensitive can that be? You confide in someone you hardly know about a recent, not-so-pleasant incident and event of your life, and when things just go a little off, the last thing you expect that person to do is to tell you how disturbed or messed-up you are. Here, by no way am i trying to say that one needs to go all out and offer a shoulder or express pity or sympathy, but at least be sensible enough to not add to things.

I agree i'm someone who is more emotional and sensitive than general measures, but i'm not someone who gets very affected with comments by strangers or people i've hardly known. But, there are a few exceptions, at times! At times, there may be a stranger who you may want to explore and know, but things like this pretty much nip it in the bud. Also, certain incidents do make people vulnerable, perhaps just for the moment...but they do.

And, of course, when that person has zero remorse about his or her words, or the way in which he or she is judging you, it definitely makes sense to not pursue it any further. (Silly you, get the message...he or she pretty much doesn't care!)

Every day is a new experience...it teaches you a lot, and some things do become a lifelong lesson. A recent one has definitely helped me conclude that I'd never ever ever judge someone without knowing his or her complete reality, won't snap at people, and, most importantly, would not be brutally honest about certain realities and truths of my life unless i'm really sure that it won't backfire. A chapter closed, but with lots of lessons learned!

Reading a new chapter (or perhaps a new book!)

How easy or difficult is it to start a new relationship, or to fall in love again (and again and again, as is the case for many of us!)? I'd say, very difficult! So, what makes the journey so difficult for most of us.

To begin with, if it's a very quick move from another relationship, there would be times when you'd keep thinking of him or her even when you're with the new person. My personal experience of rebound phases (yes, i've been at both ends at different points in my life) is that never ever ever ever get into a relationship when your head and heart's with someone else, and also, don't even try and act as that lovely angel who is going to help the guy/girl get over his ex. Love is a realisation, and nothing or no one can make you feel it or become aware of it but you, yourself. Besides, if you are high and heavy on the guilt quotient (like me!), you may just end-up hating yourself for leading someone on. So, this establishes point number one -- your inability to get over that touch, those words, and those 'old' times and moments.

The days, months and years that you invest in a particular relationship can often seem like a waste when you see things crumbling apart. I've had friends, and have personally fallen prey to the fact that one often continues a relationship only and only because they find it too cumbersome to step into a new one. Weird, but true! Just telling your new partner about your likes and dislikes, your weaknesses and strengths, and just about anything and everything all over again can be quite a pain. Who said 'comfort zone' is a term that can only be used in a professional set-up; it's pretty much true even in personal relationships. In spite of knowing that the relationship is as rotten as hell, you continue just cause you're too lazy to initiate a new one. Perhaps getting too uncomfortable is comforting at such times.

The third and suckiest is the "what will people say" reason. You often find people, especially girls, who find it terribly difficult to step out of a relationship and step into a new one just because of the fact that 'all their friends' and the entire world already knows about their ex, and thus, it's rather embarrassing to get into a new one. I think, there's no sillier way of killing yourself than believing in this. At the risk of sounding a complete feminist, i want to say that somewhere the society can be blamed for this. A guy who messes around is simply termed as a flirt, while a woman who may have had a few relationships (hate the word 'affair'...feels like an illegal, illicit act or something) is so easily called a slut. Slut or no slut, my chicklets, the world's not going to be at your side in your time of need, but perhaps the one you're letting go of could be.

Of course, another extremely common reason is that you may just be so hurt or abused in your previous relationship that it may be impossible for you to trust anyone else. This is something that most of us battle with. To be honest, i don't think there's any answer to this feeling. Just take your chances, and watch every step. But, alas, you can do this only if you're the type who loves with as much the mind as the heart.

These four reasons are the ones that come to my mind right now. Of course, everyone has their own journey and story to tell. But at the end of the day, to all those who've loved and lost, i can just say one thing -- it's worth living in the hope of finding true love. Someone who would appreciate the real you. Some people get lucky with just the first person itself, while many of us end-up spending a whole lot of time. Also, it's not always about the length of time that you've spent with someone before taking the big leap (marriage, that is!). I've seen long nine-ten years of relationships breaking, and have also seen lovely marriages that have worked in spite of the couple knowing each other for just a few months or so before stepping into the bond.

And it's not about finding the 'perfect' one, but simply about knowing and finding the one who sees perfection in your imperfection...a person who can make the journey of life just so enjoyable, adventurous and beautiful. Like i say, i'll always be positive about finding that man who really appreciates the mushy, moody, emotional and impulsive me. I truly believe in it!

Death - my least favourite topic...

Just got to know of the extremely tragic passing away of child artiste Taruni Sachdev - the little girl who had acted in Paa, and the one who will always be loved for saying the magical words, "I Love you, Rasna." She and her mother passed away a few hours ago in the Nepal plane crash. It feels like some things are just so untimely, and the perishing away of someone this young is just so hard to fathom.

Call me 'weak' or whatever, but dealing with death has always been one of my weakest confrontations. I suck at condoling someone when he or she has lost a near and dear one. Thank the unknown (my term for God) for never ever making me come very close to the death of someone very close to me. (Yes, i am aware of the fact that nothing is 'permanent', but i choose to ignore certain facts) But, at times, even without knowing someone personally, you can't help but mourn the passing away of that person.

Death has been one of my most unloved topics of discussion. There's this strange fear that i associate with it. And though most would say that it's the 'final journey' and things like that, i confess this to the world that this isn't my favourite topic. (Also, i do feel that dying in one's sleep is the worst way to die. While my father feels that it's just so peaceful, etc., i do feel that at times there are so many things that we plan on doing 'the next day' when we wake up. How scary could it be to not have a next day at all.)

In fact, even in the past, there have been times when hearing the news of someone's suicide has sent me into this really sulking phase. Wonder what's my fear...perhaps that of not knowing what happens next...or may be just knowing that things are so unpredictable at times. But this very fear gives me the strength and belief in the fact that one needs to enjoy every moment to the fullest. And also to never fret and feel stupid about loving someone and telling them how special they are for you (and here, i just don't mean the 'special someone', but everyone who matters).

In fact, recently, my friend Rubina told me about her 27-year-old ex-colleague, who passed away after delivering twins. She suffered from a condition called HELLP. While Rubina confessed that she and that girl weren't the best of pals, and had quite a hot and cold situations when they were working together, somewhere Rubina really really wished that things were more cordial between them, and hoped that things were a whole lot different. And that's exactly what i mean when i say that it makes no sense in hating, cursing and bickering over things and people. At the cost of sounding highly preachy (and my friends will endorse the fact that i'm the last person who is preachy, or believes in crazy morales), i so think that, at times, you do become the bigger person when you apologise even when the mistake's not yours. Yes, i do so, simply coz i love and value the person beyond my ego, and i have no qualms in admitting that.

Coming back to the beautiful Taruni, may her soul rest in peace, and yes, seeing you in one of the last scenes in Paa will always leave me misty-eyed. Feels like a beautiful story remained unfinished.

Say "I do" to your tattoo!

The dictionary definition of a tattoo is something close to 'the practice of making a design on the skin by pricking and staining'. Ouch! While these would be the factual and physical details of the process of getting one, for the longest time i've been wondering, what constitutes to an individual's selection of a tattoo design?

I've met a number of people who tell me, "I WANT a tattoo, but just don't know what to get!" This amuses me and often forces me to conclude that for most, tattoos begin and end as simply being a style statement.

For me, my tattoos have to be based on something with which i have an unbelievable emotional connect...something that has been an important and irreplaceable aspect of my life, or something that mirrors me. Think a number of times before being impulsive and getting your lover's name inked. (I still remember the time when an extremely special friend's EX-bf got her first initial permanently inked on his body. Her name begins with an H, so, he got an ant-size 'H' tattoed on his ginormous arm. The minute he'd shown this to my friend, she freaked out, and being the super-practical thing that she is, she immediately asked him as to what he'd do if they broke-up, to which he replied, "I'd add a D to it, so that it reads as HD (Harley Davidson)." Sigh! Of course, within a few months they broke-up; and wonder what's the status of that tattoo today!)

Also, at the risk of sounding too judgmental, i can't help but say that there are quite a few people who are wannabes and are simply enamoured with this so-called 'style' statement. There's nothing wrong in sporting a piece of art on your body, but please don't simply be a canvas that's carrying a beautiful painting without knowing its significance. So, while I totally advocate and endorse impulsiveness, in the case of tattoos, NEVER!

Getting a tattoo is a life-long commitment. So, think a hundred times before getting married, but a million times before getting yourself inked. Of course, there are laser surgeries that help you get rid of it, but, i guess, that's even more painful and a lot more expensive than the process of getting one. (Unless you're Angelina Jolie, of course!)

However, if you've just been lucky-enough to find someone (a friend, lover, whoever) who deserves that kind of place and stamp on your body, just go ahead and immortalise your love for that person. Something like that could be as beautiful and special as a poet dedicating a song to someone, or a painter eternalising someone on his canvas. I'd say, such is the power of a tattoo!

One of the most beautiful tattoos that i've ever seen is that of a lady having her son's date of birth inked on her body. Now that is truly beautiful. So, while i'm oh-so-in-love with my two tattoos and totally committed to them (whoever said i'm afraid of commitments!), i must admit, the aspect of getting a third one -- that of my child's date of birth -- seems crazily enticing. Of course, the big issue right now is that there's no baby in being...so, this tattoo will have to wait!

A Passion called Food

No matter where you go and in which part of the globe you may be, the one thing that connects the world is the love for food. Be it birth or death, marriage or a Janya thread ceremony, most rituals are incomplete without a lavish spread. And, in India, this tradition is followed even more ‘religiously’ (pun intended!). Often, some funeral rituals literally resemble a feast!

I’m totally in love with this love for food. It often has the power of lifting up a down and out you! (But by no means am I advocating binging away when you’re screwed in the head… never, never, never eat your pain!) It’s food over which love can happen, business deals are struck and even memories are relived.

Just thinking of the most yummy omelette toast that a friend prepares every time I’m having breakfast with him (I confess, I tried making it the way he does, but could never replicate the magic!), or the umpteen number of times I’ve considered myself just so lucky for being the daughter of a woman who is such a lovely cook, food has always been the way to my heart.

And while food is a science, it’s incomplete without its most quintessential flavours - love and simplicity. My mother is the person who has introduced me to the yummiest food ever. She once told me about this really embarrassing moment. I was five or so, and my parents and I were attending a house party. All the uncles and aunties wanted to stuff me away (so typical!), and I kept refusing, and finally when it really got to me, I simply told one of the aunties, “Aunty, I only eat my mama’s food!” And to a great extent that’s true even till date.

I’ve come to realise that the less rigid you are, the more you enjoy food. Be open to a wada pav that costs five bucks as much as what you’d be to a Risotto priced at five hundred. That's the key! Of course, while we all have our favourites, in terms of flavours, spices, cuisines, etc., it is always a good idea to try and make the most of most cuisines.

Hailing from a land that is just so rich in its food culture, I, at times, feel guilty about the fact that while we are indulging and seeking pride in knowing a variety of world cuisines, I often don’t know about the array of cuisines that are available in India itself. Until recently, I didn’t know that there’s a cuisine called Moplah, which comes from North Kerala, and is so rich in its taste and flavours. And I’m pretty sure I’m missing out on so much more.

A few years ago, while having (read - slurping, ogling, and enjoying!) a road-side dosa with a friend, he commented that he had never seen someone as passionate about food! Dear Friend, I now realise that it’s all thanks to the wonderful experiences I’ve indulged in!!!

(The above image is a crazy night with friends at WTF, Andheri. Love WTF's tagline! Image courtesy Rubina Das

Image on the left is the time when Shrikant Ayyangar aka Chika, Rubina Das, and I engaged in total, complete and pure indulgence at Britannia Café, Mumbai. Image courtesy Rubina Das)

What's the formula?

When you decide on giving someone a second chance, be it a friend, a lover, or perhaps even an employer, is it that you are really doing so only and only for that person, or is it somewhere your weakness and inability to live without that person and the relationship?

And, most importantly, does it ever stop at just that 'second' chance? I've often read quotes and adages on the fact that trusting someone and then getting betrayed the first time around isn't your fault, but when you repeat the 'mistake' of trusting that person again, and if he/she betrays you even the second time, then it's definitely your fault for having trusted them.

Well, this also brings me to one other very confusing aspect of a relationship. How tight or loose can you hold any relationship. I've seen relationships where if either of the partners is a control freak, it results in frustration and finally ends. But i have also seen relationships where giving your partner a lot of freedom and trusting him/her blindly has made one of the partners sway and just screw up real bad. Somewhere, the belief that a relationship is like sand held in your hand (held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is...but the minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers) doesn't always seem too right.

So, basically, what's the formula for any successful relationship? Of course, is there any formula at all?.....

Is truth always scandalising?

Is there really another side to every story, and one more version to every truth? From times immemorial, it has always been about the power of two scenarios and settings -- from things such as 'the two sides of a coin', to 'a glass half-empty and half-full,' etc. Well, while i always believed that there simply could be only two sides to any truth - yours and mine - recently, i read somewhere that there aren't simply two but three sides to it - yours, mine, and the reality - and this has got me thinking.

Can we, at times, be blinded by ourselves, or perhaps by the fact that we just don't want to accept the harsh reality of the opposite person, and start believing the truth to be a lie? Just the way a lie repeated a zillion times begins to feel like the truth, does ignoring the truth make one feel that it may perhaps be a lie!

Also, the concept of cheating in relationships has got me thinking. Is is that the one who is cheating wants to enjoy the best of both (or, perhaps, several) worlds? Or does it stem from the fact that, at times, you're just too scared to confess the truth, as it could to lead to losing the person and the relationship too?

Life and it's weird ways, i'd say. On a lighter note, one of my friends had once sent me a funny text, which read 'Dear Parents, the only reason i lie to you about my boyfriends, etc., is because i care for you and don't want to scandalise you with the truth'. But, well, are things really that funny, and is the truth always so scandalising?

It's good to be back!

Well, it's been just so long since i last updated this page. More than three years! Wow, now that's quite some time. It has been long-enough for me to even forget the password! Wonder what stopped me. The lack of inspiration, or perhaps i wasn't observant enough to get inspired. Whatever be the reason, and no matter how long the wait, it feels good to be back! And all's well that re-starts well!

Blogging, to me, has never been my idea of making a page or the Internet my little 'dear diary' (no offense meant to the ones who do). I'm still old school and if i'm screwed in the head or overwhelmed with joy, I'd rather run to a friend or call a buddy before rushing to a Twit(***) or any other medium here. Having said that, as the name of my blog suggests, it still will definitely be one of the ways that I'd like to say a lot unspoken things (but not all!).

So, while i'm now going to regularly update 'The Perfect Vent' with some observations, realisations, actions, et al, i promise to even keep updating the look of this page. (Sigh! when i'd first designed that header, it actually looked and felt 'brilliant', but it does feel quite jarring now...speak about being honest!). of course one of the first changes that i'm going to be making is changing the profile pic with a less chubby me (blush! blush!). Of course, though i did think of starting a new blog altogether, something just stopped me from doing so (read: laziness; I'm a self-confessed technotard, and going through the process of filling the details for a new account ain't happening with me!)

So, though i don't have truck loads of people waiting for me to update my blog, for the few who do, all i can say is -- Thank you! Drop by once in a while; i'm sure there's something for each one of you!

See you soon :)))

Ashq

Loss of Innocence